The Power of Choice: A 3-Step Process to Do Hard Things

Choice.

The one gift our Creator has given us that has the power to control the quality of our lives. And while we can’t choose what happens to us or around us, we can choose our response. Choices control our lives; conditions don’t.

My path toward the realization that every single thing in life boils down to a choice arrived via numerous teaching moments with my most trusted learning partners - my horses. Deciphering each experience into applicable life lessons and client-worthy material was aided by a horse trainer who embraces the power of choice.

One particular experience profoundly impacted the quality of the partnership I’m seeking with one of my horses. It also taught me how to alter outcomes with humans. The overarching result: I learned to do hard things. And, it was my willingness to be vulnerable, confident + open to the risk that made possibilities reality.

Before describing my simple, three-step formula, let’s define “hard things” and dive into the psychology behind our human tendency to avoid them.

I define “hard things” as those necessary yet easy-to-avoid choices that cause varying degrees of discomfort within us and, consequently, outside us. Ironically, the hardest tasks are the ones that matter most. The essence: What’s right is hard; what’s wrong is easy.

Why Humans Avoid What’s Hard

As humans, we tend to emphasize the negative rather than the positive. From our earliest beginnings, being aware of and avoiding danger has been a critical survival skill. The concept of negativity bias isn’t new. Additionally, research has led to theories such as The Prospect Theory, which evaluates the way people make choices when there is a known risk. Both advance the idea that people are more likely to choose things based on their need to avoid negative experiences, rather than their desire to get positive experiences.

In our brains, there are two different systems for negative and positive stimuli. More neurons are put to work to detect negative experiences, and once the brain starts looking for bad news, it is stored in long-term memory quickly. For positive experiences to be transferred from short-term memory to long-term, they must be held in our awareness for more than 12 seconds. Rick Hanson describes it in this way: “The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones.”

Psychologists concluded that negative experiences or the fear of them have a greater impact on people than positive experiences. Yet, it’s no secret that the most effective way to move past fear is by opening ourselves up to discomfort. As Victor Hugo, one of the greatest and best-known French writers stated, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it.”

This is where my horse-guided discoveries + human behavior intersect. It’s time for me to describe my three-step process for learning how to do hard things.

Step One: Show Up

While seemingly counterintuitive, making the choice to ‘show up’ is the first step in altering a trajectory. It’s the willingness to check our emotions, be vulnerable, confident + exposed while doing what we know is right, regardless of the outcome.

For example: The evening I showed up at the barn to spend time with my horse, I faced two options. The first option was to do all the work by inserting myself into his space and getting his attention by standing directly in front of him. Having previously done that, I knew his typical response - turning and walking away.

My other option entailed walking up behind him (in his blind spot) and offering him the choice to ignore me or partner with me. I’ll admit that fear + the potential of getting kicked in the mouth (and losing my teeth) almost didn’t feel worth choosing to do the hard thing.

Although the first option felt easiest + safest, I knew from past endeavors that my horse resented me for removing his ability to choose. So, I chose the second option - full of vulnerability, risk, and the need to have confidence in my horse’s capacity to make good decisions.

I was stunned by what occurred. In the process of doing the hard thing (and walking up behind my horse), he honored my effort by turning towards me and choosing to approach me as a true partner. As a result, we reached a pivotal point in our relationship.

Step Two: Step In

To ‘step in’ is to put ourselves in a place that may result in discomfort. It’s typically the mere thought of what we think could happen that cripples our decision-making ability. By ‘stepping in’ and facing our fears, we simultaneously release what’s paralyzing us and create an opportunity for growth.

For example: The chance to elevate the quality of the partnership between this particular horse and I would’ve been lost had I not been willing to ‘step in’ and approach him in his blind spot. Fear and the possibility of injury elicited a strong emotional response that made it difficult for me to leave my comfort zone. The dynamics this horse and I have had for years leading up to that moment would’ve continued to manifest. Instead, we took a step toward a more meaningful + effective connection.  

Step Three: Commit

To ‘commit’ is to pledge to a certain way of being. It obligates you to carry out a course of action. Choosing to commit is powerful because it influences how you think, sound + act. It’s a script for how to handle hard things. Doing hard things leads to growth. And growth is something we have the power to choose again and again. When we embrace growth + improvement, we learn what it means to have the grit needed to push our limits, strengthen beneficial neural connections and create entirely new ones.

For example: The way I approach my horse each and every time I’m with him, illustrates my commitment to giving him the option of partnering with me or not. It’s a choice that requires me to trade doing all the work myself for vulnerability, confidence, and the risk associated with doing hard things. The priceless benefit is immeasurable growth for both of us.

What hard things have you attempted to do? What process did you employ to overcome them? I welcome the chance to learn from you. Please reach out to me with your stories.

If you’re wondering what the formula of ‘show up’, ‘step in’ +‘commit’ looks like in a business context, December’s post will feature a case study of a client who is in the process of learning to do hard things.