Lessons From the Herd: Relationship Verses Isolation
Horses, like humans, are social beings created for relationship. The well-being of both species is optimized through connection, an essential element for survival. Horse herds provide social stimulation + a sense of security. Human communities create a sense of belonging that is vital to growth.
In the book How People Grow Dr. Henry Cloud + Dr. John Townsend acknowledge a medical fact about connection, “People connected to other people thrive and grow, and those not connected wither and die.” Going deeper into the emotional space, they site connection as the sustaining factor for the psyche, the heart + the spirit.
It’s been my + my husband’s experience, as well as the clients we’ve served, that much can be learned from the refreshingly simple + authentic way horses do life. A recent session we co-facilitated with women from Dorothy’s House illustrated the value of relationship in impactful ways.
Our Horse Learning Partners
Like humans, horses have distinct personalities shaped by their relationships. Here’s insight about each horse that was part of the group’s learning journey.
Dale is well on his way to becoming more relational than ever. His restoration of spirit began two years ago when he arrived at the farm + humans showed interested in creating a relationship with him rather than interacting transactionally. He’s a favorite of clients because he’s sweet, laid back + forgiving.
Dolly kept me safe + taught me a spectrum of skills related to the day-to-day responsibilities of cattle ranching. She also built riding confidence in my children. Her sweet disposition + willingness to let us approach her offspring is a blessing!
Dolly’s yet-to-be-named colt embodies his mama’s sweet disposition + his daddy’s personality + build. He elicits laughs from humans by trying out his gangly legs in races around the pasture.
Reflective group thinking followed our pasture experience. Several relationship-related questions + discoveries resulted. Here are some key take-aways in a format intended to encourage pause + ponder:
Observation: Dale asked Wyatt if he values relationship with him + the rest of the herd.
Question: How do you show up for the relationships you value?
Observation: Wyatt’s unwillingness to overcome + endure pressure means he doesn’t value the relationship
Question: How has your own discomfort limited your relationships?
Observation: Horses are masterful at relationships because they aren’t manipulated by preconceived impressions.
Question: What prevents you from choosing to be relational with those around you in your family, neighborhood, workplace or community?
The Value of Horse-guided Coaching
Shannon Schott, program director at Dorothy’s House, answers questions by sharing her discoveries from her experience:
What did you learn about relationships from this coaching session?
Relationships aren't just emotionally necessary for a fulfilled life; isolation from relationships actually manifest as physical ailments, illness + emotional malnourishment.
As humans, when we invite someone into relationship, they reject the invitation + choose to isolate instead, we shouldn't force them into relationship by continuing to pursue or persuade them. Instead, we can learn to respect their free will + continue to invite them into relationship, even after repeated rejections. Many times we take it personally and opt to "fix" others or give them unsolicited advice as a way to secure our own value. Ultimately, love means that we allow others to choose for themselves, even when they may choose something that hurts them.
How will what you learned from the experience impact you moving forward?
I will remember the take-away that we are called to invite others into connection + include them in a healthy community, but we are not responsible for their choices. It's liberating to release the expectation that I can somehow convince others to choose what's good for them when they are unwilling to do so.
What is the value of what you observed?
I think it's easy to assume that others have it "all together" when they seem independent and stable. But all of us have insecure, lonely parts of our hearts that want to be connected more than anything. Sometimes the most independent, strong people are actually the ones most deeply lacking in emotional connection. The takeaway that I'd like to share with others is that it is far more important to be imperfect, vulnerable + connected, than to be independent, stoic + isolated.
If you’re curious about how horses teach humans more effective relationship skills, reach out for a complimentary 30 minute phone consultation to learn more.
