Self-Leadership: Learning Boundaries From a Colt
Written by Deb Holwegner
I’ve always looked to God for help and clarity about my life’s direction. I have faith in his plan + appreciate those he connects me with along the way. The inner work associated with transforming into the human being he created me to be is most effective with coaching.
During a recent horse guided coaching session with the horse herd of fullCIRCLE creative + coaching, I discovered my need for boundaries and practiced the skill. Creating this account of what transpired on the beautiful, late summer day in the peaceful outdoors surrounded by nature, further heightened my understanding of why this life skill is essential. My hope is that by being vulnerable and candid about my growth areas, others will be encouraged to step courageously into theirs.
Baggage Held Me Back
I love being in the space of horses. What’s so worthwhile is the way they mirror what’s within me. Sometimes, I don’t realize the parts of myself I’ve been hiding, denying or burying. On this particular morning, remnants of previous horse guided coaching sessions were on my mind as I stood in the pasture. Previous sessions revealed how easily I allow myself to feel unworthy when those (humans or horses) around me are unresponsive to or non-inclusive of me. With the horses, that looks like me approaching each horse only to have them walk away before any contact is made. With humans, that looks like having expectations of instant friendships for everyone I meet — not such a healthy way to be!
A five-month-old colt stopped grazing and eagerly made his way over to me and Kim. I was delighted; he was so adorable! As we stood there, he began soliciting attention from us. He did this by stepping closer to us, stretching his neck and head so he could nuzzle and smell us with his soft nose. As an animal lover, this interaction tugged at my heart strings. The more I allowed my heart strings to be tugged, the closer he inched. The time passed slowly . . . until I felt the skin on the back of my arm pinched between the colt’s lips.
Startled, fear got the best of me and I jumped sideways away from him.
I paused for a few seconds and let Kim know I was okay. I felt confused and frustrated. I was so grateful for the colt’s willingness to approach us that I allowed myself to get caught up and distracted by my emotions. I didn’t realize how gradually the colt was inserting himself into my personal space and my allowing it wasn’t healthy for me or the colt. The real-time learning opportunity revealed:
how essential boundaries are
the discomfort a lack of boundaries creates
·when I lead myself well by creating them, it’s beneficial for both beings — humans and other species
Practicing What I Learned
I began wondering how this new skill would impact others in my space moving forward and eagerly listened to Kim’s question, “What does it look like when you create a boundary with the colt?”
Deep down, I was relieved at the colt’s size compared to the rest of the herd though he clearly outweighed me. My response to the colt’s approach this time entailed me gently tapping his cheek until he moved away. It proved much more effective than using my voice which humans and domesticated animals get de-sensitized to! Kim and I celebrated my effort with a little laughter. It was one step in a new direction for me and I acknowledged it with a smile. I dove further into my struggle with setting boundaries by sharing real-life examples with Kim and discovered that my experience with the colt was a reflection of my human relationships.
As the coaching session ensued, I discovered how impactful boundaries would be in a spectrum of areas. Clarity brought inner strength. Inner strength brought a shift in my outward demeanor. Confidence washed over me and I visualized how I would respond if the colt moved toward me and into my personal space.
He didn’t. He walked away.
Empowering Clarity
I marveled at the impact of clarity and the resulting internal shift. This is one of the many reasons I value the experiential learning model of coaching with Kim and the horses. Among the life lessons I’ve learned:
Approaching life from a place of fear, uncertainty or needing something to make you feel whole, makes you more likely to connect with others living that way.
A lack of confidence and unworthiness makes it difficult to understand the value of boundaries. Without them, life is more chaotic and stressful.
Boundaries are a gift to you and others.
Approaching life with love, confidence and boundaries makes you more likely to connect with others who value healthy relationships.
From a Biblical perspective, the principle of boundaries is applicable to all aspects of our lives — not just to physical space and time. Our bodies, thoughts, relationships, beliefs — anything we have authority over — requires an intentional boundary be placed around it.
I’m grateful that in coaching I’m met where I’m at and have a human and animals come alongside me. Discovering the skills needed to practice personal soul care is what I know God calls me and other believers to do!
If you want a memorable hands-on learning experience, enjoy the outdoors and are curious about what can be learned from a horse, reach out for a 30 minute phone consultation with Kim. fullCIRCLE horse guided coaching workshops are for individuals and teams interested in growing skills for the softer side of business.
